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Update

sawyer
A couple entries down, I wrote last summer about my dog being sick. She was feeling fine for a few days after that though, but then all of a sudden when she was feeling just slightly bad, my parents euthanized her (it was 11 days after I posted that). :(
I miss her so, so, so, so much, there aren't enough words to describe it.
We did get a new dog, a puppy, and although I love her too, no dog could ever beat my first one.

As for an update about everything. I've been at community college for two years now, and I was applying to other schools, hoping to transfer. My dream is to go somewhere far away (preferably across the country) but since my parents are paying for it, they won't let me go anywhere that's "too far". I applied to a few schools that they suggested to me, and I got into some schools. However, my parents won't let me go there. WHY DID YOU LET ME APPLY THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE THEN, IF YOU KNEW THAT YOU WEREN'T GONNA LET ME GO?
So right now I'm just very pissed at them for lying to me.

I just absolutely cannot stand being here at home. Everyone I knew from high school is away from home, having the time of their lives, meeting all new people, being in a whole new environment, living my dreams, and I'm stuck at home and I have no friends to talk to.

I don't like anybody here, I hate the people here, I hate how everybody here is constantly stressed and fast-paced, and that's not me. I'm more laid back and relaxed. Also, there's no hot guys here, so I not only have no friends, but there's no guys here that I want to get friendly with either.

That's why I need to leave home so bad, that way I can find a new way to live, new people to hang out with, new things to explore and try.

As for my body problems, yeah, that hasn't really gotten that much better. I look the same, I still suck at working out, I still suck at eating. I don't know what it is, when I look in the mirror I look fine, but whenever I take a picture, I gain like 20 pounds.

I hate school because...

sawyer
it constantly distracts me from exercising....when i have so much fucking homework to do, and then when i actually do have spare time, the last thing i want to do is workout.

Some good news though, is that I just got my drivers license (finally!) yesterday! Now all I need is a car and a job, and then as soon as I have enough money I can finally leave this shittown.

my dog might die.

sawyer
My dog, my best friend, who I've had since I was 10 (I'm 19 now) is really sick with cancer. She has had stomach issues for a very long time, but just this past week, she wasn't eating anything, if at all, so my mom decided to take her to the vet. My parents took her to the vet this morning and when they got back, they told me about her illness. She has a type of blood cancer that has enlarged her spleen, and has ruined her digestive system. She's my best friend in the whole world, and there is absolutely no human being that can match up to her, and there's no dog that can ever replace her. My parents want to put her to sleep soon, but I don't want them to. They tell me "do you want her to suffer?" and I reply "she won't suffer, as long as she has her loved ones around her." I told my parents years ago that if she ever became sick, I would never let them put her to sleep, because I think of it more as murder than mercy. But they just won't listen to me.
They're bringing her back to the vet on Monday, and if she gets a little better over the weekend they won't do it to her then, but I know they're going to eventually, but I will not let them do it.
I've been crying about this all day, just thinking about losing my best friend depresses me to no end. I can't live without her, I really can't.

I think I know what my problem is.

kurt sleeping
I do too many things because that's what others want me to do. I never do anything for myself. I never go out with my friends because (not only do my parents not trust me) but because I know my parents wouldn't approve of what I would do with my friends. And because I don't hang out with my friends, I didn't have anyone to go to my senior prom with last year, so I didn't go. It would feel way too awkward going alone. And so not only do I not hang out with friends, but then I also don't have a boyfriend because I know my parents wouldn't want me to anyways. And now it's too late to find a boyfriend. I'm 19 already, and I have never had one. No guy wants a girl with no experience (and all the guys that have no experience themselves, and the ugly-geeky-ones that nobody wants). I don't want to be the loser girl. My friends from high school weren't losers, and I actually had a lot of friends, I was just never best friends with anybody.
And since I don't have friends to hang out with here at home, I wanted to go away to college, hoping I'll finally get real friends to hang out with, but my parents didn't want me to because they don't trust me (my brother went away to college his first semestre, and got kicked out because he partied too much, so they somehow think I'm gonna be like that, but I've ALWAYS been more responsible than him). So I stayed home for college, and I absolutely hate it here. All my friends are away, and I constantly see them tweeting "OMG I got so hung over last night!! Gonna do it again tonight!" and it drives me nuts!
Even if I do transfer and go away, I'm not gonna find friends, because no matter where I go, everyone there will already have friends, so no one will want to hang out with the new girl.
I really want a job, but I can never find one, and I still don't have a license or car, so I'm stuck at home all day everyday.

Apr. 4th, 2013

shannon
Almost a week ago I went to the mall with my mom to spend some of the money I got for my birthday two months ago. I went to Gilly Hicks, thinking of buying a new bra. When I tried it on, I thought most of my body looked great, except for my boobs. It was a push-up bra, but somehow it made me look even smaller than I already am. All it did was push my boobs together, and made my upper half look even more disproportionate to my lower half (I have small boobs and a small waist, but my hips and thighs are bigger) and after that I left the mall, didn't try on anymore bras, and I got upset.
I want to be skinny, but I still want boobs, if that makes sense. When I told my mom I wanted a boob job, she got really upset/angry with me. Why should she care so much? It's my body, and I'm not happy with it.
Although TBH, I think I'm less satisfied with my face than I am with my body, but unfortunately no amount of exercise can change my face. The only way to fix that is with surgery, which costs money, which I do not have.

Feb. 12th, 2013

miley flat stomach
This is kind of a long story, but I'll tell all of you. My mom and I were watching Jeopardy like we do every night. It was the Teen Tournament finals, and there was this one kid who was really smart and my mom was rooting against him. I asked her "why? because you're jealous your kids aren't geniuses?" and she said "yeah, that's pretty much it." so then I said "and your kids also aren't super athletic...or super gorgeous?" and she said "nope." And I was turned off by that. I then said "so you don't think that I'm super gorgeous?" and she was just like "hmm, well, you are very pretty..."- "but I'm not super gorgeous? How can you tell someone that?"
I mean seriously. Who tells her own daughter that she isn't super gorgeous? That's basically the same as calling me ugly. Saying I'm anything less than perfect just makes me feel like nothing but a complete and utter failure. And this was my own mother yet. I can't fucking believe her.

So I survived the end of the world.

sawyer
Is it sad that I was wishing it was gonna be over? As much as I love the holiday season, as I love getting gifts and the decorations and all that, I hate how much weight I always gain during it and then in January I'm severely depressed. Today my mom and I were decorating cookies and I ate a few and now I just feel so bloated and gross.

Oct. 8th, 2012

sawyer
Hi guys. I don't post nearly as much as I did a few years ago, because back then was when I had become very insecure about my body, mostly when in my sophomore year of high school was when I became really depressed. I have since become somewhat happier with my appearance because I work out muchhh more now than I used to. I started community college this fall, and since I only have afternoon classes, I tend to wake up really late, like 11:00-ish, so then when I eat breakfast, it's lunch time, then I don't eat again til like 5:30 or so, then I sometimes have a junk food snack after dinner while I watch TV. I don't eat particularly healthy, so I have to make sure I run even just a little every night before bed.
However, I still hate the same things about my body as I did back then. I hate my belly, I hate my thighs, and I hate my fat cheeks. I have seen some improvement though, like I can see my collarbones a lot more now than I did back then, but unfortunately, it's mostly the lower half of my body that I hate so much.

Aug. 22nd, 2012

sawyer
I haven't been here in a loooooooooooooooooooooong time. I've been coming on LJ lately, but just haven't been going to the ED communities or writing in my journal. My mom thinks lost weight more recently because she has been telling me lately that she thinks I'm too thin, but I honestly think I look the same I have been. I've been doing the same exercises (running in place before I go to bed) and eating the same shit I've always been eating (I'm not a good eater at all, I don't eat meat, but I also don't eat vegetables either, I know I have a terrible diet and I've always been like this, since as far as I can remember). Another more recent exercise I've been doing lately, along with running, is chair dancing. I don't have a pole, so I dance on a chair instead. I feel sexy when I do it, and it honestly has made me feel more comfortable with my body.

Mar. 16th, 2012

sawyer
i'm so pissed at my mom for keeping getting me those fucking shamrock shakes from mcdonald's. sure, they're delicious, but i NEED TO FUCKING LOSE WEIGHT! i'm getting fat again, and i'm not happy about it! i neeedddddddddddddd to purge sooooo bad, but why does my gag reflex not fucking let me? i'm sick of eating and eating and not losing weight! it's so annoying! guess i'm gonna go run for like 3 hours straight after typing all this!