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I hate school because...

it constantly distracts me from exercising....when i have so much fucking homework to do, and then when i actually do have spare time, the last thing i want to do is workout.

Some good news though, is that I just got my drivers license (finally!) yesterday! Now all I need is a car and a job, and then as soon as I have enough money I can finally leave this shittown.

my dog might die.

My dog, my best friend, who I've had since I was 10 (I'm 19 now) is really sick with cancer. She has had stomach issues for a very long time, but just this past week, she wasn't eating anything, if at all, so my mom decided to take her to the vet. My parents took her to the vet this morning and when they got back, they told me about her illness. She has a type of blood cancer that has enlarged her spleen, and has ruined her digestive system. She's my best friend in the whole world, and there is absolutely no human being that can match up to her, and there's no dog that can ever replace her. My parents want to put her to sleep soon, but I don't want them to. They tell me "do you want her to suffer?" and I reply "she won't suffer, as long as she has her loved ones around her." I told my parents years ago that if she ever became sick, I would never let them put her to sleep, because I think of it more as murder than mercy. But they just won't listen to me.
They're bringing her back to the vet on Monday, and if she gets a little better over the weekend they won't do it to her then, but I know they're going to eventually, but I will not let them do it.
I've been crying about this all day, just thinking about losing my best friend depresses me to no end. I can't live without her, I really can't.

I think I know what my problem is.

kurt sleeping
I do too many things because that's what others want me to do. I never do anything for myself. I never go out with my friends because (not only do my parents not trust me) but because I know my parents wouldn't approve of what I would do with my friends. And because I don't hang out with my friends, I didn't have anyone to go to my senior prom with last year, so I didn't go. It would feel way too awkward going alone. And so not only do I not hang out with friends, but then I also don't have a boyfriend because I know my parents wouldn't want me to anyways. And now it's too late to find a boyfriend. I'm 19 already, and I have never had one. No guy wants a girl with no experience (and all the guys that have no experience themselves, and the ugly-geeky-ones that nobody wants). I don't want to be the loser girl. My friends from high school weren't losers, and I actually had a lot of friends, I was just never best friends with anybody.
And since I don't have friends to hang out with here at home, I wanted to go away to college, hoping I'll finally get real friends to hang out with, but my parents didn't want me to because they don't trust me (my brother went away to college his first semestre, and got kicked out because he partied too much, so they somehow think I'm gonna be like that, but I've ALWAYS been more responsible than him). So I stayed home for college, and I absolutely hate it here. All my friends are away, and I constantly see them tweeting "OMG I got so hung over last night!! Gonna do it again tonight!" and it drives me nuts!
Even if I do transfer and go away, I'm not gonna find friends, because no matter where I go, everyone there will already have friends, so no one will want to hang out with the new girl.
I really want a job, but I can never find one, and I still don't have a license or car, so I'm stuck at home all day everyday.

Apr. 4th, 2013

Almost a week ago I went to the mall with my mom to spend some of the money I got for my birthday two months ago. I went to Gilly Hicks, thinking of buying a new bra. When I tried it on, I thought most of my body looked great, except for my boobs. It was a push-up bra, but somehow it made me look even smaller than I already am. All it did was push my boobs together, and made my upper half look even more disproportionate to my lower half (I have small boobs and a small waist, but my hips and thighs are bigger) and after that I left the mall, didn't try on anymore bras, and I got upset.
I want to be skinny, but I still want boobs, if that makes sense. When I told my mom I wanted a boob job, she got really upset/angry with me. Why should she care so much? It's my body, and I'm not happy with it.
Although TBH, I think I'm less satisfied with my face than I am with my body, but unfortunately no amount of exercise can change my face. The only way to fix that is with surgery, which costs money, which I do not have.

Feb. 12th, 2013

miley flat stomach
This is kind of a long story, but I'll tell all of you. My mom and I were watching Jeopardy like we do every night. It was the Teen Tournament finals, and there was this one kid who was really smart and my mom was rooting against him. I asked her "why? because you're jealous your kids aren't geniuses?" and she said "yeah, that's pretty much it." so then I said "and your kids also aren't super athletic...or super gorgeous?" and she said "nope." And I was turned off by that. I then said "so you don't think that I'm super gorgeous?" and she was just like "hmm, well, you are very pretty..."- "but I'm not super gorgeous? How can you tell someone that?"
I mean seriously. Who tells her own daughter that she isn't super gorgeous? That's basically the same as calling me ugly. Saying I'm anything less than perfect just makes me feel like nothing but a complete and utter failure. And this was my own mother yet. I can't fucking believe her.

So I survived the end of the world.

Is it sad that I was wishing it was gonna be over? As much as I love the holiday season, as I love getting gifts and the decorations and all that, I hate how much weight I always gain during it and then in January I'm severely depressed. Today my mom and I were decorating cookies and I ate a few and now I just feel so bloated and gross.

Oct. 8th, 2012

Hi guys. I don't post nearly as much as I did a few years ago, because back then was when I had become very insecure about my body, mostly when in my sophomore year of high school was when I became really depressed. I have since become somewhat happier with my appearance because I work out muchhh more now than I used to. I started community college this fall, and since I only have afternoon classes, I tend to wake up really late, like 11:00-ish, so then when I eat breakfast, it's lunch time, then I don't eat again til like 5:30 or so, then I sometimes have a junk food snack after dinner while I watch TV. I don't eat particularly healthy, so I have to make sure I run even just a little every night before bed.
However, I still hate the same things about my body as I did back then. I hate my belly, I hate my thighs, and I hate my fat cheeks. I have seen some improvement though, like I can see my collarbones a lot more now than I did back then, but unfortunately, it's mostly the lower half of my body that I hate so much.

Aug. 22nd, 2012

I haven't been here in a loooooooooooooooooooooong time. I've been coming on LJ lately, but just haven't been going to the ED communities or writing in my journal. My mom thinks lost weight more recently because she has been telling me lately that she thinks I'm too thin, but I honestly think I look the same I have been. I've been doing the same exercises (running in place before I go to bed) and eating the same shit I've always been eating (I'm not a good eater at all, I don't eat meat, but I also don't eat vegetables either, I know I have a terrible diet and I've always been like this, since as far as I can remember). Another more recent exercise I've been doing lately, along with running, is chair dancing. I don't have a pole, so I dance on a chair instead. I feel sexy when I do it, and it honestly has made me feel more comfortable with my body.

Mar. 16th, 2012

i'm so pissed at my mom for keeping getting me those fucking shamrock shakes from mcdonald's. sure, they're delicious, but i NEED TO FUCKING LOSE WEIGHT! i'm getting fat again, and i'm not happy about it! i neeedddddddddddddd to purge sooooo bad, but why does my gag reflex not fucking let me? i'm sick of eating and eating and not losing weight! it's so annoying! guess i'm gonna go run for like 3 hours straight after typing all this!

Writer's Block: Grammy Awards


What song is stuck in your head?

View 746 Answers

Whitney Houston's "Didn't We Almost Have It All"